Venial Sins
by Totally3rdGrade
Summary: I looked up at the sky, letting the rain hit my face. My stomach churned and I looked down, placing a hand on my abdomen. I felt numb, my head pounded in rhythm with my heart. I let the tears I had been holding back fall. I couldn't do this. R
1. Waiting for the End of Forever

**Venial Sins**

**By Totally3rdGrade**

His black eyes looked right through me, the light that was his life was now gone. I stared at his face in shock, my body frozen with such staggering grief that I couldn't even move. My father supported my weight as I sunk to the floor, my agonizing sobs echoed throughout the disserted hallways of the quiet hospital. Everyone in the room disappeared and the only thing I could see through my tired, tear-filled eyes was his face. His russet skin was wrinkled from years of life, his shoulder length hair was snow white, no hint of grey in sight. His aged appearance was so completely different from mine. I had wished before that I could grow old along with him, many times before, in fact. But I couldn't. As much as I hoped and as hard as I wished, I couldn't.

I tried to prepare myself. I thought I had come to terms with this when he had started to age again. but I hadn't prepared for _this_. This unbearable feeling that my heart was being ripped into pieces muscle by muscle, vein by vein. The feeling as if I could no longer touch, think or breath ever again. The desire _not _to touch, breath, or think ever again was too much. I wanted to die with my Jacob, but I couldn't. As strong as I thought I was, I wasn't. To this day, the empty feeling of loss and hopelessness still lingers. To this day, I miss Jacob so much, I sometimes believe that I will go mad in my despair. The alcohol may muffle my sense of judgment and my racing thoughts, but there is always the day after when the hang over hits and the loss of Jacob hits me again like a continuous tsunami. I comfort myself in the fact that he is finally at peace, that he is so much happier wherever he is now than he ever was with me in life. I hoped that the burdens he had in this life are lifted off from his shoulders. That's all I can do except to get through the day and wait for the end of forever.

**This has been going around in my head for a while. Please, tell me what you think and I just might make it a full story, I'm pretty excited about this.**


	2. No Going Back

**I deleted the previous chapter I had written because I was unhappy with it. Now I hope that this new chapter will give you a little more insight and some of your questions will be answered. Please, I ask you to tell me what you think about this. It will be so helpful, reviews are very much appreciated!! Thanks, enjoy!**

**Venial Sins**

**By Totally3rdGrade**

**Then.**

His black eyes looked right through me, the light that was his life was now gone. I stared at his face in shock, my body frozen with such staggering grief that I couldn't even move. My father supported my weight as I sunk to the floor, my agonizing sobs echoed throughout the disserted hallways of the quiet hospital. Everyone in the room disappeared and the only thing I could see through my tired, tear-filled eyes was his face. His russet skin was wrinkled from years of life, his shoulder length hair was snow white, no hint of grey in sight. His aged appearance was so completely different from mine. I had wished before that I could grow old along with him, many times before, in fact. But I couldn't. As much as I hoped and as hard as I wished, I couldn't.

I tried to prepare myself. I thought I had come to terms with this when he had started to age again. but I hadn't prepared for _this_. This unbearable feeling that my heart was being ripped into pieces muscle by muscle, vein by vein. The feeling as if I could no longer touch, think or breath ever again. The desire _not _to touch, breath, or think ever again was too much. I wanted to die with my Jacob, but I couldn't. As strong as I thought I was, I wasn't. To this day, the empty feeling of loss and hopelessness still lingers. To this day, I miss Jacob so much, I sometimes believe that I will go mad in my despair. The alcohol may muffle my sense of judgment and my racing thoughts, but there is always the day after when the hang over hits and the loss of Jacob hits me again like a continuous tsunami. I comfort myself in the fact that he is finally at peace, that he is so much happier wherever he is now than he ever was with me in life. I hoped that the burdens he had in this life are lifted off from his shoulders. That's all I can do except to get through the day and wait for the end of forever.

**Now.**

My cell phone vibrated loudly on the wooden coffee table. I sighed and closed my eyes. I felt the thin wine glass I was holding slip from my fingers, I tightened my grip on it quickly. The red liquid in the glass jostled, staining my couch. I covered up the red dot with a decorative pillow, not bothering to even look at it. I blew the little strands of hair that had fallen in my face away before they stuck to my lipstick. Clumsily, I placed the wine glass I was holding on top of a thick novel my father had given me last Christmas. Muting the television with the remote, I grabbed at my Verizon cell phone. The cell phone felt cold in my hand, I flipped it open, revealing a full little key board. I called my voicemail, my hands unsteady from all of the wine I had drank.

"_You have 1 new voice message, first voice message," _I grimaced. I hated voicemails. It would be easier for me if I could just be forgotten by the ones I loved, it was still painful to talk to my family and friends. Even after all these years it was painful. Since my Jacob died, I could tell they chose their words more carefully and deliberately spoke in soft voices around me. I couldn't take it. I held the cell phone to my shoulder with my chin and grabbed the half empty package of cigarettes next to the T.V. Guide on the coffee table. I lit the cigarette with a trembling hand and listened to my new message as I smoked.

"Renesemee, it's your mother…" Well, who else would it be? I shook my head and lifted my heavy body from the couch, stumbling to the kitchen. I held the cigarette in place with my teeth and exhaled a cloud of grey smoke more than I usually would have. I held on to the walls for support as I listened to Bella talk. I guess I was a little bit more tipsy than I thought I was.

"…your father and I are worried sick about you! You haven't answered your phone in two weeks!" My mother's voice muffled some and I heard her talking to my father. I heard his voice and was thankful that he was calmer than his wife.

"Bella, love, it's only been one week. Calm yourself down, you're going to damage my telephone."

"No, Edward, I will not _calm down. _She hasn't phoned us in days! Why,…why are you laughing at me!?!_"_ Bella shrieked. I heard a loud slapping noise which shut him up for a minute. I bit my lips and walked around my kitchen island aimlessly. I listened to my mother ramble about how much she wished that I lived closer to her as I played with the refrigerator magnets. The picture of Nahuel and I fell to the tiled floor as I lifted it's magnet. I took in a shuttering breath and stared at our frozen faces. This picture was from our wedding day. We had gotten married in New Hampshire. It was fall, so the trees that surrounded us in the picture were beautiful bright colors of red and orange. My head started to spin. Thinking of Nahuel made my hands shake and my stomach anxious.

"How do you think this makes _me _feel, Renesemee? You're probably laughing while you listen to this, well let me tell you, IT'S NOT FUNNY! No, Edward don't you dare try to take this phone away from me!" My mother was shrieking profanities and guilt trips into the phone now, I rolled my eyes and held the phone away from my ear to put it on speaker phone. When I did this, I finally took the cigarette out of my mouth and held it in between the first two fingers of my left hand. I leaned against the island for support and closed my eyes.

"Bella, dear, I really do enjoy that phone!" My father's voice shook slightly.

"Not now, Edward!" Bella hissed, "Renesemee, if you don't call me back within the next 24 hours I'm coming to check on you…" I heard my mother's voice break and she started yelling again.

"Do you hear how worried I am, Renesemee? I'm CRYING!"

"Bella! That cell phone you are using isn't on the market anymore and it's really easy to use. If you break it, I'll have to buy those expensive texting phones that play music and provide two dollar games that I'll never even play! What the hell will I do with a damn phone like that?!"

"THEN I'LL GET YOU THE JITTERBUG PHONE, EDWARD, GET OFF MY BACK!" I was tearing up now. I looked at the happy people in the picture and I didn't recognize them. Back then, I thought Nahuel was my savior, my angel. He had taken me out of a dark place. It was fifteen years after Jacob's death that Nahuel showed me how to love another again. Though my love for Nahuel, and my love for Jacob were never the same.

"I'm not an old man, Bella, I just need a phone that's easier to use than the phones they are selling these days."

"You are an old man, Edward! What are you talking about?" My father huffed angrily.

"I like to think I have a young spirit." he snapped.

"You don't!" my mother replied.

Though I woke up to Nahuel's face in the morning, he never really seemed to be a permanent addition in my life. I never get lost in his eyes like I got lost in Jacob's. I never forgot to breathe when Nahuel kissed me, so unlike Jacob's kisses. Now I see that Nahuel realized that I would never love him as I loved Jacob, and he is slowly pulling away from me. I wish I knew how to tell him that I need now more than ever. I can feel the depression coming. Though I am fully aware that I shouldn't be feeling this way, there is nothing I can do to stop it. Now is just the calm before the storm. My mother and father bickered for a moment and I heard my father wrestle the phone away from my mother's grasp. I brought the cigarette to my mouth and took a long hard drag, opening my eyes to drop the excess ashes into an ashtray.

"Hello, Nessie Darling…" My father had the only voice that could ever put me at ease. Whenever I heard it, I was safe. The only time I felt safe after Jake had passed away was when my father sung me to sleep. I remembered not wanting to get up in the morning, not wanting to think, or breathe. I couldn't remember how to interact with people properly. I all of the sudden couldn't keep track of time like I used to. When I was in those times between waking and sleeping Edward laid in the bed next to me. Sometimes he wouldn't say anything at all, he'd just stroke my hair. When he sung for me, I was able to fall asleep.

"…your mother and I are a tad bit uneasy about you not calling us, I want you to know that I love you. I hope to hear from you soon…" I smiled and stumbled back into the living room, throwing my wedding picture in the bread box where I wouldn't be able to see it. I took one more drag from my short cigarette and snuffed it out, leaving it in the ashtray. I grabbed my cell phone, taking it off speaker phone and placing it to my ear as I walked back into the living room unsteadily.

"…No, Bella, of course she didn't hear us arguing. That is precisely why I like this phone so much. The mute button is such a wonderful addition." I chuckled under my breath, and yawned widely.

"I love you!" My mother's voice called.

"Oh, and your mother says that she loves you, too." my father said into the phone, as if I couldn't hear her. The message ended there. When I didn't hear my parent's voice anymore, I felt more alone than I had before. When Nahuel left me alone like this, I adapted so much to the empty house that when I had a reality check, I wanted to scream. I wanted to cut myself so deep that I could see my veins pumping the blood that kept me alive with my own eyes. I wanted to check that all of this wasn't some sick dream. It was during these reality checks that I would do anything to see my Jacob again.

I walked back to the couch again, grabbing the glass of wine that I had been drinking and draining it. I wanted to get drunk, not tipsy tonight. I wanted to forget anything and everything that was going on in my head. I needed to get out, I needed a break. I searched the room for stronger alcohol. When I finally found the vodka in the cabinet next to the bookshelf, the grandfather clock next to the front door struck two thirty a.m. Nahuel wouldn't be coming home tonight. The realization of Nahuel's abandonment hurt, but I knew when I finished the vodka that it wouldn't matter until later. I took pleasure in thinking that and unscrewed the bottle. I knew when I took this drink and gave into the monster again, there would be no going back this time. I took the first sip and than I was off. I don't exactly remember when I dozed off to sleep, The only things I remembered after I took that first drink is going back to my stained couch and lighting up another cigarette. I also remembered being grateful when sleep finally came for me.


	3. Emotionless Expressions

**THEN**

The beach was bright and I wondered if the sun would shine all day today. I hoped so. It wasn't that I hated the rain, it was that I enjoyed the freedom the sun gave me. I could go out into the sun while my family couldn't. I was free from their watching eyes. My whole family was protective of me, though there was no more danger plaguing us anymore. I knew they were only like this because they love me, and I couldn't be angry at them for that, but sometimes my family was suffocating and I needed to breathe. Jacob helped me breathe, I loved him for that.

"What are you thinking about?" I felt his hot breath against the back of my neck, I shivered. Jacob laughed and wrapped his long arms around my waist. I gazed at the ocean waves, the reflection of the sun's rays winked at me. I rested my head against Jake's chest and smiled, closing my eyes.

"Nothing." I whispered, I could've stayed like this forever, in his arms. It was the only place I wanted to be. I was vaguely aware of my sundress whipping against my sandy legs in the wind. As I looked out at the blue water, I felt like I was flying. It was almost unreal.

"Have you ever thought of flying?" I asked as I rested my hands on the hot skin of his arms. I looked up backwards into his face. He smiled down at me and kissed my forehead before he answered.

"Like a bird?" I shook my head. Looking back at the water again.

"No, just flying in general." Jake chuckled. I looked up at him again, patiently waiting for an answer.

"You sound unusually cliché today. What on earth is that coven feeding you?" I laughed with him. My question did sound cliché, but I wanted to know. Flying sounded wonderful to me. Not being the center of attention for once and looking on from above. I decided then and there that if I should ever have a second chance at life if I ever died, than I would become a bird.

"I'm serious, have you ever just wanted to fly away? Not have everyone gawk at you like a freak and look on from above unnoticed?"

"People gawk at me?" He raised his thick eyebrows contemplating this. I giggled.

"Forget I said anything, it's stupid." I shook my head. We stood on the sand on silence. I looked down at our bare feet. Feeling the wind on my face, I imagined that we were both flying together. He was silent for a moment.

"Yeah, I've thought of it once or twice when I was a little kid. Maybe when my mom died." I turned around in his arms to give him a full hug. I seemed to take him off guard. He stroked my hair.

"Don't ever fly away from me, I couldn't bear it, I love you too much." he whispered in my ear. I looked into his eyes and wished that he would kiss me right then and there.

"I'd never fly away from you."

**NOW**

When Nahuel finally came home I was half asleep on the floor next to the couch and it was late in the morning. I looked at him through weary eyes as he leaned over me. His voice was so loud in my ears, but I was too weak to cover them. I didn't have enough energy to push him away as he tried to help me up. My body was just dead weight but when I was standing upright, I could just barely support myself. Nahuel face was so horribly blank. He showed no emotion as I clutched at him and the couch arm for support.

"Where were you?" I demanded. Though, I sounded a little bit too retarded for my liking, at least my voice was loud. Nahuel's strong arms tightened around me as I tried to walk away from him. I tripped over my own feet and fell hard against the corner of the coffee table. I almost wanted to giggle at the pain, instead, I heard myself saying something incoherent.

"I thought I should go for a hunt after work." He said, I clamped my hands over my ears and wrinkled my nose, his voice was like a blow horn!

"You didn't…you didn't even caaaaaaalllll me!" I wailed. God, I sounded so stupid, so pathetic. No wonder he isn't home anymore. I tried to pull away from my husband but he had a tight grip on my arm. I felt like a baby bird with a broken wing. I pulled and pulled like a game of tug war. I stumbled into Nahuel in my struggles and he roughly scooped my up into his arms.

"Put me down!" I screeched over and over again. My legs flailed as I tried to punch him wherever I could, my blow didn't faze him as he carried me up the creaky stairs and into our bedroom.

"Stop hitting me, please." Nahuel said, his voice hard, emotionless still. I felt a painful lump rise in my throat. I continued to hit him until he dropped me non too gently onto our bed. My stomach lurched and flipped over. I felt so nauseas.

"Have you been drinking again?" Nahuel paced back and forth around the room as if he were thinking of ways to punish me. He reminded me of my father on my sixteenth birthday when he caught me smoking marijuana (for the first and last time) in the tool shed behind our house. Looking back, even now, I realize how fucked up I really am. I started to giggle, God, I was so shitfaced. Everything I did and said seemed so logical when I went over it in my head, but it all seemed to make me look like an idiot.

"Isn't it kind of obvious?" I laughed, my words sounded cruel. Nahuel's face changed and he looked alarmed. Something in me wanted to go to him and tell him that I'd be okay, but a much bigger part of me wanted to show him how much I needed his help.

"You've never gotten this bad before." he mumbled more to himself than to me. Of course, Nahuel has never seen me at my worst before. Bella and Edward just barely managed to get me back onto my feet before Nahuel came into my life. I felt like I would throw up again as I thought of my parents. I loved them so much and whenever I told them so it never seemed enough. I didn't deserve them. They should've had a daughter that was good and pure just like them.

"I miss you." I blurted out without thinking. Nahuel's eyes looked me over warily. He shook his head, his handsome face look pained.

"No, you don't." he replied grimly. I cocked my head to the side looked at him and tried to be as serious as possible.

"Yes, I do!" I said loudly. I tumbled off of the bed and practically ran to his side. I clucked at his arm impatiently.

"I miss you so much!" I said, my eyebrows knitted together. I stood on my tip toes and whispered into his ear, my hot breath on his neck.

"I want you." I wrapped my awkward arms around his neck and rested my head on his shoulder. I missed the warmth of his body, his hard chest.

"You don't want me." He said, his voice emptied of it's usual energy and passion when he talked to me. I pulled away, my eyes unfocused.

"I want you." I repeated. He shook his head and a small smile appeared on his lips. A sad smile that almost always appeared when he was doing something he didn't want to.

"I want you." I said again.

"You don't know what you want anymore." He replied bleakly

"I want _you_!" I shouted. I wanted to throw things and stamp my feet like a five year old having a temper tantrum. I stood in front of him, my stomach in knots from too much alcohol and anxiety. That damn smile! He shook his head.

"I love you! I want you!" I said over and over again, as if to convince myself.

"I know when a women is thinking of another man." Nahuel whispered. I looked at him in shock. He looked almost guilty. My eyes filled with unwanted tears.

"I know you think of him all the time, when we sit down to dinner, when we watch the television. Even when we make love you think of him! How am I supposed to compete with a man that has been dead for more than twenty years?" I closed my eyes and Jacob's smiling face appeared in my mind's eye.

"For years I've tried to convince myself that you'd get over his death and want to be with _me, _but now I know that day will never come." I covered my face with shaking hands and started to cry, I knew what he was going to say next.

"Nahuel, please, I love you so much! Don't do this, please."

"You may love me, Nessa, but not as much as you love Jacob Black."

"Stay with me." I whispered, going to him and wrapping my arms around his waist.

"I can't."

"We can work this out! I'll change, I can change!" I sobbed helplessly into his jacket.

"Nine months ago, when we went to visit my aunt, I ran into my father while I went hunting. It was then that he introduced me to her." I pulled away from him again and I looked up into his face with disgust. Then, realization hit me and I wanted to kill myself for not seeing it before. The extra aftershave he put on every morning, how nice he had been dressing everyday. He hadn't been working late and going on unexpected hunting trips. He had been seeing another women.

"Shortly after we came home from the trip, I learned that she had followed us and she approached me after work one afternoon. I have been seeing her everyday after that," My breathing became ragged and IU backed away from him, my hands trembled so bad. I backed up into my hope chest at the end of our canopy bed and I fell onto it in shock. Nahuel looked me over warily.

"Who is she?" I asked, my voice was horse. I knew that I'd throw up any second, my head pounded. Depression washed over me again and I felt that there was no way out. The walls closed in on me, I was feeling claustrophobic.

"Her name is Katrina and she is half human and half vampire like me and you. My father met Katrina when he heard another, ah…scientist, like himself, was mating with human women. Katrina reached maturity about 3 years ago." I let out a shuttering breath. He was seeing a child! Just a stupid little girl. I wanted to die right then and there.

"You're leaving me for a child." I said softly. Nahuel didn't reply, he walked toward me. That damn smile was all over his handsome face, he reached out to touch my face.

"I know a part of me will always care for you, Renesemee." he said, caressing my cheek. I slapped his hand away, my hands still shook so it looked less impressive.

"Leave." I said hoarsely. Nahuel leaned down to kiss me on the forehead, I let him. Breathing in his scent for the last time. As Nahuel turned away from me to walk away, I said one last thing.

"You will never know just how much I needed you, how much I really love you." Nahuel stopped walking, his back was to me.

"The divorce papers are on the kitchen table, all you need to do is sign your name." He walked away from me then, hot tears rolled down my face. It wasn't until I heard his car drive away from the house that I started to sob. I cried openly until my whole body hurt, my stomach lurched one last time and I vomited all over the carpet.


End file.
